Hi there! *waves*

I am still alive. I used to wonder how people who used to have such a presence in our little art world seemed to disappear. What happened that pulled them away? Was it a choice or consequence?

I now have the answer: life.

We all have those times when we’re pulled from what we love. It isn’t that we don’t want to do anything, more, life needs our attention.

I allowed life to pull me away.

Handling my father’s affairs is overwhelming (please write a will. I don’t care how old or healthy you are!) and I was stuck in mandatory overtime. I would work long days and come home exhausted. I lost my spark for anything past just breathing and getting through the day. My grief is such that everything reminds me of them.

What I didn’t do was use my art journaling to process what was happening.

Yes, ME. The one who’s spoken for years about how art journaling and art can help you get through things! I forgot my own lesson and became more concerned with buying things to make myself feel better than actually doing any art. Oh vey!

But new news has me diving for my art journal to help process it all. Facing health issues sucks when you can’t go to your Mom or Dad about things (I do have a few adopted moms and omg without them I’d be a complete wreck and not just the weird spaz I am now).

While I am still in the process of putting together my puzzle of health issues I’ve been dealing with for the last year or so (seriously. I go to the dr at least once a week, maybe even twice depending on which specialist I’m seeing), my doctor and I agree that we’re starting to see the picture all these things add up to - an autoimmune disease - lupus.

Which, frankly, terrifies me. My test is positive and I’m displaying several symptoms. And while it’s nice to have a better idea of what to do next, I’m still freaking out a little bit.

So I grabbed my art journal and started making a mess. I’ve been using supplies I can easily pull out no matter how tired I may be. My favorites have been put into organized pouches to allow them all to be closer to me. I’m thinking of making a couch *pouch* rather than a box since a pouch is easer to take to work or out to my favorite cafe, when I have the chance.

My work is definitely coming out differently. I’m responding to the ease-of-use supplies, like watercolors and colored pencils, and allowing it to help process all these emotions running through me at all times (I just cried to a series finale to a show that ended *4 years ago*). Endless doctors’ appointments, medical bills, regular bills...it’s hard when it’s just you and you’re the only way you’re getting anywhere (just ask me why I drove over a median the other day - Uber’s expensive and I don’t have any other way to get to things!). So much has been forgotten, and I always feel like I’m messing up.

So I’m making a mess in my journal. I’m leaning in to wrinkled pages and Copics bleeding through. I’m thinking more about expression than what’s before or after. Stop being concerned with how others will react and allowing for nothing but imperfection. It has helped so much!

I haven’t been posting much of what I’ve done for the past few months because it was all so new and I didn’t want outside influences, aka social media, to dictate if I continue on. Now that I’m more comfortable with what’s happening, I’ve decided to start sharing again.

As a friend told me today, my Dad would have wanted me to be happy and make art again, even if I’m squeezing it in wherever I can!

I’m even working on a passion project you’ll be seeing soon. I’m so excited but am going to wait until things have come together....just keep an eye out for a brand new blog coming soon