dreams come true (& unicorn magic)

Tonight, I walked to the bookstore and browsed, then crossed the street and sat outside Starbucks to drink in the cooler fall weather and write in my art journal. 

After nearly two weeks in a fog, it's finally cleared. 

(I had a low-level migraine for awhile, that climaxed in a Major Brain Busting event over the weekend. It seems to have been caused by gluten filler in my new sleeping medication; since stopping it, I have felt much better!)

Just before all this started, I took a giant leap. In fact, I remember the conversation clearly, all the excitement and joy I was feeling, and then getting in the car thinking what did I just do? How are you going to pay for that? Where will you put your supplies? What if you're inspired at 2am? That wall of reality rising above me…

Except I no longer believe this is reality crashing down. I truly feel it was my Inner Critic raising all the reasons I shouldn't do what I was about to. 

Which was to get shared studio space with one of the most creative, sci-fi-lovin', rocking' business women I've had the honor of meeting. 

You may be going Samie, what are you saying? You've wanted a studio outside the apartment for years!

It doesn't matter if it's a studio or ordering prints or sending in a class proposal -- whenever we reach for our creative dreams, the reality suddenly frightens us when it comes true. We wish for so long, we almost don't believe it will ever come true, and when it does, we're all too good at making us doubt ourselves! Suddenly, there are a hundred reasons why we shouldn't do this or that, why this was never a great idea in the first place, or that we just aren't ready yet. 

Which is such crap. We should. It is. We are. 

Let me share with you the first two pieces I started working on in there on Thursday evening. I was all by myself and ended up dancing around to Turkish music, singing to my Sara Bareilles CD, & slinging paint. 

It felt wonderful. 

I'll be uploading a new video on Tuesday, btw...it had to take a break while my head was pounding! But I'll be recording a journaling vid very soon, too!

Don't forget to join me for this month's gelli print e-class! I'm even learning a new journal-binding style for this one! I'll be sharing behind the scenes pics starting Monday on my Instagram account, so don't miss out! And there is a coupon available if you need help paying. ;)

Gratitude for a Custom-Built Life

There's really not much to do when someone is doing their PT exercises. 

All those synapses of empathy and compassion and wanting to help have to be turned off; you can watch her struggle, but can't reach out to help, to ease the burden, to stop her because it might hurt. 

So I doodle, instead. Carpal tunnel brace on my wrist, pencil held awkwardly in my hand, I doodle an eye, trying a new look inspired by a favorite artist. How do I create that look I love with my poor, unsteady hands? So I doodle and make marks and she keeps lifting her leg and squeezing her eyes closed, the blue and purple stuffed dragon held tightly to her chest. I add eyelashes as her therapist talks about schedules and new exercises. I add shading after I move to make room for a new round of exercise, my feet balanced on a large, inflated ball. The bottom lashes are added as I try not to cry in empathy. My own body hurts -- past my wrist, my legs ache, my back screams. There are no exercises here to make me whole, to take away my pain, and so I draw and listen and encourage. 

I wish I could jump up and down with pom-poms. 

When I finish, when we reach a rest period, my brain apologizes for the work. My hand is in a brace so it's really more scribbles than what I can usually do. But when I share it, I get this:

That is…amazing. Wow. 

See! My daughter can draw so well! She's an artist! 

I can't draw. 

And I smile and the apology in my head goes away (what a lie it was!), and say It's practice. Every day. But thank you. And here I was thinking it wasn't good!

It's fabulous. 

Like many of you, I create alone. I'm in a studio space. I'm the only one seeing what I'm creating, and I'm seeing it with the eyes of an artist who wants to go further, is striving for something better, different, more authentic and original and how I see it in my head. I'm already in the future scolding the inability of my past self -- which in this case, is the me-in-the-moment, over things I haven't even learned yet. 

And yet, I have a classroom full of eager students ready to learn, looking to me for guidance. 

I can only share the path I've walked. A few days ago, I was compelled to make a video for a long-forgotten YouTube channel of mine that focuses on chronic illness & living your best life. I think it has 54 subscribers; it doesn't matter. What does is that my father was working with me that day, when I decided to tack this vlog-type video onto the end of an emergency video shoot for another project, and thus, I spoke not only to the camera, but to him, about growing up with an invisible illness and all the negative stuff that comes along with it -- being shamed by people, whispered about, and feeling as though I missed out on all those rights of passage because of pain and immobility. It's hard to face those things yourself, let alone with someone else in the room. 

But as I spoke, he whispered behind the camera, smiling. And I cried on camera because wow, I have finally found myself, and thus, support from all those around me. 

And one of those whispered words got my thinking; Successful, tell them you're successful. 

From the inside, life looks much different. I see all I want to do, not all I have. But when my mother and her PT instructor gaped at my scribbled drawing, when they saw only the beauty and not the mistakes or less than I'd been hearing in my head, I realized that we need these people in our lives to remind us of who we are and what we are doing. They're the mirrors that reflect back the truth of our being, and are the only ones who can show us where we took a wrong turn or how much distance we've really covered. 

But I think the biggest thing is that despite not making much money, working for myself, and falling flat on my face more times than I can count, my parents say I'm successful. 

And now when I look at it, I can see it. I have clients and a niche business that fills a need, that uses that college degree I thought I'd never use again the day I had to move back home from Hollywood because of my health. I have great joy chatting about directing and developing video content. I now have a co-workspace where I do editing work and contribute to the whole while using their studio space and equipment to make better content. Hot damn, did you see how well the summer camp videos turned out? 

I have students excited to learn. I have articles in the works and published in over a dozen magazines and more zines and websites. I have friends all over the industry and artistic circle we're all members of. I have secret projects, a book on Amazon, and more to come. I can finally sit back, look at the work I do every day, and realize I made it, wherever this is. It was hard work and full of flops and failures and successes and dinners to celebrate…

But most of all, it's mine.

I dreamed it, built it, & made it reality. 

(And I'm only getting started.)

I am tired of faces.

​I had a totally different thought this afternoon, but wanted to make this daily diary thing easy​, and that means writing my heart. 

I am tired of faces. ​

​Totally, completely, bored​ with faces. 

For the past year or so, I have been practicing. Studying. Doing graphite portraiture and realistic pieces, cartoon and illustration types, big and little and focused on tiny details omg get them right​! I have studied them with graphite, charcoal, colored pencils, crayons, oils, and acrylics. Even paint pens. And all I can show for it is a desire to draw them fast and expressive and get on with it​! 

I have faces with necks and....nothing more. ​

I became so focused on all the details that I lost the forest for the trees. I would get lost in seeking perfection and lose spontaneous expression. ​By the end, my girls would be staring blankly into space and I just....gah. 

So I started creating animal girls, totem girls, as I journeyed on my own Heroine's Quest. I was opened up to the world of animal wisdom last summer, and have begun remembering my dreams. Sometimes, I'll hear a random animal's call, or see it repeated across a day or two, and know it's trying to tell me something. And so my girls morphed into something new, again. ​

And then I was reminded of something old​, an illustration style that was expressive and spontaneous and didn't take days to finish. I pulled out the originals and found myself itching to draw like that again, to create for myself an environment where I could be imperfect again. Where I could draw fast and sloppy and speak from the heart​.  

So now I can turn that laser focus to the gothic lolita dresses I've loved for years and want to draw. I can work on learning color theory. I can go BIG. ​

That's what I have been called to do. Paint BIG. Stand and dance as I spread paint across the canvas. Look at my new, giant brushes! ​

TODAY​: Woke up late, worked on a couple project, and felt Friday fall on my shoulders when I heard those words we all hate: your car needs to go in for repairs​. Ugh. That fell with a couple other things, and I had to draw a new map through emotion. Went to the library. Bought good, organic, non-GMO fed foods for a yummy dinner. Try kombucha & forgot fermented​ = not good for gluten-free me. 

Hello May!

Phew! ​

April was a whirl-wind adventure. It took a lot of bravery, and a couple leaps of faith, & has consumed my time to show me where I need better boundaries. Since I haven't had time to write blog posts, I shall distill it into a numbered list for your curious connivence. ​

1. Berkeley. Oh my goodness. I've wanted to visit the Bay area for years​, and in the matter of less-than-two-weeks, I went from trading emails to spending hours with the amazingly daring Mati Rose, filming and brainstorming on her Daring Adventures in Paint workshop. It took a lot of courage to even send that first email, and then to book plane tickets, but it all worked out so amazingly, I'd like to mention the word serendipity. What an amazing work/vacation! 

I stayed at a house via AirBnb in the Berkeley Hills with the most adorable family with young kids. I had a bedroom, sitting room, and bathroom all to myself, with a gorgeous view of the bay at sunset. While I thought​ I'd spend the evenings relaxing, I ended up walking the area for yummy food, having an adventure after an oh-my-God-it's-a-Blick shopping spree, and met up with two long-time friends for a trip to Japantown (Daiso! Kinokunya!) who I'd never met in person but consider life-long sisters. 

2. Synchronicity. While there, I discovered a deep joy as I worked, and realized I'd fallen into the thing I want to do most of all​. It's one thing to dream up an e-course, but another to figure out how to organize it all, split it, figure out what needs to be filmed and what doesn't....how to shoot you mid-creation. Lighting. Angles. Equipment. You need someone to talk it through, someone who's been a student and teacher, who knows technology and programming, who can take all that footage and put it together into a nice neat video package​ so you can focus on posting and interaction. ​

I want to visit artists in their studios, record their courses, and put the video content together for them​. 

I want to chat on Skype with you when you need someone to help you take a snarled, artistic vision and create a game plan.​​​​

I want to help everyone make better videos with simple, easy-to-follow tips.​

I don't know what this job is called, or how I can keep up the momentum, or find more clients, but my heart sang​ when I was in Berkeley in a way it hasn't for a long time​ and I KNOW I have found my "thing." 

It's an amazing feeling that makes me feel radiant. ​

3. Shared Knowledge. My students in Digital Adventures & Creative Warriors have started to come out of their shells and create amazing artwork​. It's one thing when you put everything together and give it to the world, and another to see those principles picked up and used​ just how you intended. I have a bit more time to pay attention to each student, and my small class size idea was a GOOD one. I'm so happy I made it! 

4. Inspired. My article on Being a Creative Warrior is in the current issue of Somerset Studio, and is even mentioned on the cover! You can all now learn more about this movement I'm starting ​and become one yourself! I was so surprised and touched to get my copy in the mail, and it has a special spot in my studio. 

5. Go big. I've decided it's time to use more paint​ and go big​. I have a bunch of canvases in various stages of completion, as I want to make more original artwork to adorn your walls rather than focusing on just​ journal pages. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop, or share less, just that I'm making a commitment to myself to be an artist and dive deep and be brave and dare!

​6. Roben-Marie's Mixed Media Stamps. These are wonderful!​ Everyone I've shared them with have love them, and I'm usually really picky​ about stamps. I keep a selection of them with me all the time, and they're so versatile! 

You can see me using them in my latest art journal speed painting video on YouTube! ​

7. Artspiration Studio. We only have 50 hours left to meet our goal of opening a mixed-media and art journaling studio here in the East Valley of Phoenix! Join Tangie Baxter (a sweet, awesome artist & businesswoman!) in raising funds on Kickstarter to get us there! There are TONS of awesome rewards for each level! ​

​And here's some recent journal work. It's spinning off in a whole new direction, so I'm wibbly, but....the paint keeps flowing!

YOU ARE WORTHY

AH! I have a blog! Between working on Daring Adventures in Paint (which is awesome, btw, and if you want to paint more & be inspired, I recommend it!)​, keeping up with Digital Adventures, getting Creative Warriors all set for May, & my own need to PAINT ALL THE THINGS (especially with spray paint), I am a crazy woman on the edge of I CAN DO IT / OMG WHAT IS FREE TIME. *laughs* A good fencepost to be balancing on, yes!

I promise to share the deets of my impromptu and magical adventures in Berkeley and San Francisco (not limited to Public Transit is Confusing, Did I Really Get a Ride from a Stranger, Blick Owns My Heart, FACE TO FACE OMG, Magical Artists, & more!)​ this weekend, but for today, I wanted to share an important message. 

Prompted by a comment made by a friend, I filmed this intro for Creative Warrior's April project, and felt it was too important not to share....I even choked up while I was editing. ​I've done a LOT of work on myself, and know what it feels like to feel lazy, useless, or a waste because you need to CHILL OUT and REST (two things that are VERY good for you!). But THEY AREN'T TRUE. YOU ARE WORTHY AND WONDERFUL. So view my video below. 

I'm also sharing a piece I finished today that will be up in the Etsy shop as prints on Monday. ​

Now, I shall attempt to tackle my inbox. *winces but is brave!*​

Do What Feels Right for YOU

Digital Adventures started today! I thought I'd share the intro video with you just in case you were on the fence, or were still unclear as to what the class is about! ​

I was talking to Andrea this morning -- check out her Creative Dream Incubator, by the way; it's on my dream list of classes to take & looks like FUN! (in between bouts of panic, as every launch has​ to have some kind of issue, however small!) about class size vs. value. As in, is it better to have a big class that costs less, or a small class that costs more? 

As we chatted, I realized I'd rather teach a smaller class of invested students than a large class where I don't have time to get to know everyone. ​I love small, intimate classes -- they feel much more like parties, and everyone gets to chat and know one another and watch not only their progress during the class, but everyone else's. It's like having a team of cheerleaders. I want​ to get to know my students, and with Digital Adventures, many of the students are my friends! So I'm super excited to sit down and put together each lesson because it's really just a long-distance Skype call of me sharing what I love. Doesn't that sound like the kind of class you'd want to take?

So I've decided to do a few things: ​

• I'm going to limit the size of my live classes so I can give each person individual attention, check in with them, and help tailor the experience to their level.
• I'll then open up classes as self-study (you get the content, but don't get to join the party!)​.
• I'm going to retire some of my old classes and cycle them out as new classes are added.​

Is this scary? YES! But Andrea was wise when she said you have to go with what feels right to you​. And Wren added that you have to do what you have lasting enthusiasm for​. 

We also touched on changing exchange if the scope of a project changes. When I started Creative Warriors, I intended on it being a low-energy investment each month -- a PDF or blog entries, guided journaling, and support. Now, it includes project videos, a Facebook group (full of chatting, awesome women!), and a monthly 'zine of guidance and inspiration that contributors can get paid for (hopefully!). ​

It has evolved as the needs of its creator and group became clearer. ​

I have guest posts lined up, people to interview, and so much joy for the 'zine, I might burst. Check out these messages I've gotten so far: ​

"The zine is great. I'm delving into it now and wanted to pause for a moment to tell you you've done a great job. I really connected with what you said about living with a Shadow Life. I look forward to the next installment."

"I just finally had a chance to read through the zine [and] it's absolutely WONDERFUL. You can see so much of your heart and soul in this, dear! it's so needed right now too, it gave me such a jump start after two weeks of barely being alive with so much stress and no energy. THANK YOU for putting this out, and i hope beyond hope for you that it works out!  at least the pain means you're alive? yes, THIS. on so many levels."

​Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to squeeze in a little more art before my business trip (I know! I have another one! To SF!) later this week. Have you SEEN my to-do list? What's sleep again? I was up at 6:30 am this morning! I think I deserve a snack from Sonic, yes? With all the energy I'm putting into this, Art Journal Summer School may be the last live class I do online this year. Especially if I keep getting work from magazines & artists! 

The Open Hearts of Others (a story!)

I want to tell you a story. 

​A few weeks ago, I was suffering from sleep deprivation. It had been building up since mid-February, and by the time I next saw my doctor, I was in tears. I cried the entire time there, through the appointment, and finally calmed down when my kind doctor told me to keep my chin up, and that we were going to figure things out. He's always asking me to call him, to keep lines of communication open, and even works with health-insurance-less me. 

However much he discounts, it still took much of my saved up funds. I hadn't been able to work much, either on art ventures or editing work, and was a little low. So when I arrived at the pharmacy to drop off what would hopefully be able to help me sleep, and was told the prescription would cost $170, I felt the tears well up. "I can't afford it, so please, just hold onto the script." I had felt salvation in my hands only to be barred from it because of how much medications -- even this one, a generic -- can cost. 

I decided to get a week's worth, to see if it actually worked; this was the six -- or is it seventh? -- medication to try ever since my Traumatic Brain Injury last March threw me for a loop. I will forever admire those football players who get a concussion and keep on playing, because let me tell you -- a TBI is no walk in the park. Sleep interruption, mood changes, personality issues, anxiety, and nearly daily headaches (luckily, eliminating gluten from my diet has helped clear up the migraines that developed afterwards!) permeates every moment of your life. ​

When I walked in, after waiting for the script to be filled, one of the girls, who is always bubbly, excited, and kind, held out the prescription and said, "I found a coupon that brought the price down to $18, for the entire month's worth​!" 

This time, when tears fell from my eyes, they were of eternal gratitude and joy. She didn't have to do anything. She didn't have to go out of her way to find a solution for me. She said, "I wanted to call you as soon as I found it!" I leaned over the counter to pull her into a hug, so, so touched that God had put these people -- my kind, understanding doctor, this new pharmacy tech -- in my path on a difficult day. ​

And the medication works! I am once again sleeping, back to a healthy diet, working my behind off (new class, new zine, new videos, new new new new!), creating new art, crafting new editing solutions (playing and diving into my new practice of being a colorist!), and running around enjoying the heck out of life​!

So today, I sat down to paint her a gift....for my art is the one thing I can truly give from my heart. I thought on her gift (she has since found another​ coupon to save me $5 more dollars, always knows who I am when I go to grab meds, and is cheerful each time I see her!), letting my joy and her kindness guide my hands. 

I have lately discovered my "style" and "colors" for painting people, and am so excited to dive deeper, so made a little picture of an Open Heart being freely given. She touched me so much​, and I wanted to share this story because we sometimes think these things will never happen to us, but they will​. We are loving, caring people, a race of humans who have hearts and eyes and the ability to give so much, and every so often, God puts the right people in your path at just​ the right moment to remind you of this. 

(The colors are a bit flat, but that's probably because I'm in love with neon and used a bunch in her hair! And she has a coat of varnish that protects her and makes her shiny!)​

Listening Past the Noise to Her Wild Self

This painting came with me to the undertow and rode the storm with me.​
It picked me up and carried me to shore. 

It wasn't an easy journey. This wasn't done in a day, or two, or three.
But weeks. Hours and hours spent with detail brushes.
Pushing the very boundaries of my abilities.
Challenging me. 
Cleaning me out. Pulled out all the wires and bits and what-makes-me-me until it reached my heart. 
And plucked it from my chest. 

My brains are scrambled, my feet unsteady;
when it put me back down, I stumbled along.
She was hard-won, fought for with blood, sweat, and tears.
The deepest painting experience I've ever had. ​

She is surrounded by Noise.
By the constant sensory input of chronic pain,
​over-stimulated and straining to BE, to think, to be CLEAR.
But she's going to Listen past it all. 

A week ago, I had a vision.
I was me, with feathers in my hair, with moccasins on my feet,
reconnected to my Native heritage,
surrounded by animals.
​It has been swimming in my head since then, 
all the peace I felt,
the Oneness,
the Truth of who I am underneath. 

That is what she is.
She is Me, under it all.
Past it all.
A Dream of Me.
Listening Past the Noise to Her Wild Self.​

I am ready to Listen, to Be, to Create. ​

​24"x24" mixed-media on wood