Sea & Sky

Have you ever put an old CD in, half-remembering what it is, and then a song comes on and you're jolted from your seat to years earlier, the summer sun on your face, in a different city, and different place in your life? 

Who is that you that you go to visit? And why do we then play the song over and over again? Is it to create a stronger tether to this earlier time? 

Perhaps it's to escape. While we may be in control of our present moments, they can sometimes get away from us. Spiral out. Life becomes so complicated, you no longer have time to repeat mantras or remember all those lessons you've learned from a magical book or person. And then, suddenly, you're somewhere else, remembering the silly commercial this song played on and where you were and wow, have I come far from then. 

I love the unexpected connection that is coming from posting every night. I know I'm pushed to sit down and create, if only for an hour, just so I have something new to share. There's something about social accountability that keeps me, most of the time, in line! 

For example, Susan Jane commented that I shouldn't ink the entire flower in the painting below because it adds tension. After sitting with it for a few days, I could see her point, and decided it only needed a little bit of gold to finish off the piece. And so, I declare this painting finished. 

It's hard for me to let it be simply because I love paintings with central figures; even flowers….ah, I see how that works! Sometimes I just have to write things out to figure out why I feel a certain way! 

It is 17.5"x23" mixed media on reclaimed wood and available for purchase. I love it so much, I'll be making prints. 

And I played around with a new idea I had the other day, that is, using progress shots of paintings as backgrounds for quotes. Just a little fun to be had! And this quote really spoke to me and what I'm thinking/exploring right now. 

I leave you with some pages from my journal. I think I'm finally settling into things and getting on to exploring expression and story. Even hair and details. All three are destined for canvases (two are already half-done!). Never forget the power of paper and pencil…you can literally create worlds. 

a library arts education.

Did you know that if your paint feels dry, but is cool to the touch, there's still evaporation going on, still drying?

I feel that huge shift happening and I know it's time to also go deeper with what I learn.

The last time this happened, I enrolled in my first real art class and learned the basics of drawing, composition, and the shift of the artist's eye. I loved it. Even when I hated it, when I cried out of frustration, and wanted to walk away, I loved it. As my teacher said, "Now you can only go up." 

​This time around, I decided to check out my local library & see what they had to offer. I want to learn more about color theory and acrylics (& mediums and how to use them to their limits) so I can bring a new level of maturity to my work & not go through so much uncertainty while working. There is so much to be said of being self-taught, but you have to remember the taught​ part. We can learn to access our imagination & inspiration by ourselves, and understand color, and draw forms, but at some point, you have​ to turn to books or teachers or mentors to get further. The adage is true - you have to learn the rules to break them, and I truly, deeply believe that. If it takes me reading sourcebooks and guides and looking through art collections, going on museum tours and visiting galleries, then I gladly study. 

And you should be learning, too! ​

Browse YouTube, and you'll find all sorts of artists eager to share their wisdom. ​Save up and invest in a local class -- not only will you learn new things, but you'll be plugged into the local art community through the students (I found that community colleges are affordable & your teachers are fascinating!). Take a trip to the library and walk past the mixed media books for the straight up art books to see what you can glean. Become interested in the mediums and tools you are using!

Go deeper! 

I'm learning about how acrylic paints are made. I've always wondered what it meant on the side of them: acrylic polymer emulsion. Why do colors get discontinued? Why are some more expensive than others? Is it worth it to buy those beautiful, expensive paints, or are they all the same under different brand names? ​

Don't you want to know more?​

I do. ​

Done on the iPad. Can you believe it?​

I am tired of faces.

​I had a totally different thought this afternoon, but wanted to make this daily diary thing easy​, and that means writing my heart. 

I am tired of faces. ​

​Totally, completely, bored​ with faces. 

For the past year or so, I have been practicing. Studying. Doing graphite portraiture and realistic pieces, cartoon and illustration types, big and little and focused on tiny details omg get them right​! I have studied them with graphite, charcoal, colored pencils, crayons, oils, and acrylics. Even paint pens. And all I can show for it is a desire to draw them fast and expressive and get on with it​! 

I have faces with necks and....nothing more. ​

I became so focused on all the details that I lost the forest for the trees. I would get lost in seeking perfection and lose spontaneous expression. ​By the end, my girls would be staring blankly into space and I just....gah. 

So I started creating animal girls, totem girls, as I journeyed on my own Heroine's Quest. I was opened up to the world of animal wisdom last summer, and have begun remembering my dreams. Sometimes, I'll hear a random animal's call, or see it repeated across a day or two, and know it's trying to tell me something. And so my girls morphed into something new, again. ​

And then I was reminded of something old​, an illustration style that was expressive and spontaneous and didn't take days to finish. I pulled out the originals and found myself itching to draw like that again, to create for myself an environment where I could be imperfect again. Where I could draw fast and sloppy and speak from the heart​.  

So now I can turn that laser focus to the gothic lolita dresses I've loved for years and want to draw. I can work on learning color theory. I can go BIG. ​

That's what I have been called to do. Paint BIG. Stand and dance as I spread paint across the canvas. Look at my new, giant brushes! ​

TODAY​: Woke up late, worked on a couple project, and felt Friday fall on my shoulders when I heard those words we all hate: your car needs to go in for repairs​. Ugh. That fell with a couple other things, and I had to draw a new map through emotion. Went to the library. Bought good, organic, non-GMO fed foods for a yummy dinner. Try kombucha & forgot fermented​ = not good for gluten-free me. 

YOU ARE WORTHY

AH! I have a blog! Between working on Daring Adventures in Paint (which is awesome, btw, and if you want to paint more & be inspired, I recommend it!)​, keeping up with Digital Adventures, getting Creative Warriors all set for May, & my own need to PAINT ALL THE THINGS (especially with spray paint), I am a crazy woman on the edge of I CAN DO IT / OMG WHAT IS FREE TIME. *laughs* A good fencepost to be balancing on, yes!

I promise to share the deets of my impromptu and magical adventures in Berkeley and San Francisco (not limited to Public Transit is Confusing, Did I Really Get a Ride from a Stranger, Blick Owns My Heart, FACE TO FACE OMG, Magical Artists, & more!)​ this weekend, but for today, I wanted to share an important message. 

Prompted by a comment made by a friend, I filmed this intro for Creative Warrior's April project, and felt it was too important not to share....I even choked up while I was editing. ​I've done a LOT of work on myself, and know what it feels like to feel lazy, useless, or a waste because you need to CHILL OUT and REST (two things that are VERY good for you!). But THEY AREN'T TRUE. YOU ARE WORTHY AND WONDERFUL. So view my video below. 

I'm also sharing a piece I finished today that will be up in the Etsy shop as prints on Monday. ​

Now, I shall attempt to tackle my inbox. *winces but is brave!*​

The Open Hearts of Others (a story!)

I want to tell you a story. 

​A few weeks ago, I was suffering from sleep deprivation. It had been building up since mid-February, and by the time I next saw my doctor, I was in tears. I cried the entire time there, through the appointment, and finally calmed down when my kind doctor told me to keep my chin up, and that we were going to figure things out. He's always asking me to call him, to keep lines of communication open, and even works with health-insurance-less me. 

However much he discounts, it still took much of my saved up funds. I hadn't been able to work much, either on art ventures or editing work, and was a little low. So when I arrived at the pharmacy to drop off what would hopefully be able to help me sleep, and was told the prescription would cost $170, I felt the tears well up. "I can't afford it, so please, just hold onto the script." I had felt salvation in my hands only to be barred from it because of how much medications -- even this one, a generic -- can cost. 

I decided to get a week's worth, to see if it actually worked; this was the six -- or is it seventh? -- medication to try ever since my Traumatic Brain Injury last March threw me for a loop. I will forever admire those football players who get a concussion and keep on playing, because let me tell you -- a TBI is no walk in the park. Sleep interruption, mood changes, personality issues, anxiety, and nearly daily headaches (luckily, eliminating gluten from my diet has helped clear up the migraines that developed afterwards!) permeates every moment of your life. ​

When I walked in, after waiting for the script to be filled, one of the girls, who is always bubbly, excited, and kind, held out the prescription and said, "I found a coupon that brought the price down to $18, for the entire month's worth​!" 

This time, when tears fell from my eyes, they were of eternal gratitude and joy. She didn't have to do anything. She didn't have to go out of her way to find a solution for me. She said, "I wanted to call you as soon as I found it!" I leaned over the counter to pull her into a hug, so, so touched that God had put these people -- my kind, understanding doctor, this new pharmacy tech -- in my path on a difficult day. ​

And the medication works! I am once again sleeping, back to a healthy diet, working my behind off (new class, new zine, new videos, new new new new!), creating new art, crafting new editing solutions (playing and diving into my new practice of being a colorist!), and running around enjoying the heck out of life​!

So today, I sat down to paint her a gift....for my art is the one thing I can truly give from my heart. I thought on her gift (she has since found another​ coupon to save me $5 more dollars, always knows who I am when I go to grab meds, and is cheerful each time I see her!), letting my joy and her kindness guide my hands. 

I have lately discovered my "style" and "colors" for painting people, and am so excited to dive deeper, so made a little picture of an Open Heart being freely given. She touched me so much​, and I wanted to share this story because we sometimes think these things will never happen to us, but they will​. We are loving, caring people, a race of humans who have hearts and eyes and the ability to give so much, and every so often, God puts the right people in your path at just​ the right moment to remind you of this. 

(The colors are a bit flat, but that's probably because I'm in love with neon and used a bunch in her hair! And she has a coat of varnish that protects her and makes her shiny!)​

Re*Think

The three of us sat there,
Life of Brian playing off an old VHS,
each of us creating in our own ways. 

I was tipsy and happy and full of warm, yummy soup.
And so I began to create.
To doodle and add water and color, & thought about the day. ​

It is time to go deeper.
To re-think the days of my life,
the art I create,
why and who and where and how.
To open my Third Eye, meditate, see, think, BE.
Deeper than ever before, scrambled and new. ​

What about you?​

​12"x12" mixed-media on canvas

Listening Past the Noise to Her Wild Self

This painting came with me to the undertow and rode the storm with me.​
It picked me up and carried me to shore. 

It wasn't an easy journey. This wasn't done in a day, or two, or three.
But weeks. Hours and hours spent with detail brushes.
Pushing the very boundaries of my abilities.
Challenging me. 
Cleaning me out. Pulled out all the wires and bits and what-makes-me-me until it reached my heart. 
And plucked it from my chest. 

My brains are scrambled, my feet unsteady;
when it put me back down, I stumbled along.
She was hard-won, fought for with blood, sweat, and tears.
The deepest painting experience I've ever had. ​

She is surrounded by Noise.
By the constant sensory input of chronic pain,
​over-stimulated and straining to BE, to think, to be CLEAR.
But she's going to Listen past it all. 

A week ago, I had a vision.
I was me, with feathers in my hair, with moccasins on my feet,
reconnected to my Native heritage,
surrounded by animals.
​It has been swimming in my head since then, 
all the peace I felt,
the Oneness,
the Truth of who I am underneath. 

That is what she is.
She is Me, under it all.
Past it all.
A Dream of Me.
Listening Past the Noise to Her Wild Self.​

I am ready to Listen, to Be, to Create. ​

​24"x24" mixed-media on wood

on seeing my art on the gallery wall

Check one off the bucket list -- that is my bright, formerly-in-a-pile art hanging on the wall in a real gallery.

I know! 

For years, I've been a huge chicken, always finding a reason to NOT go visit my favorite coffee shop with a portfolio in hand, letting my Inner Critic sway my positive thoughts into the deep Fear of Rejection. I think that's natural, especially when you put so much of your heart on the line in an artistic pursuit (though I've been able to share my poetry, in the past, with less trepidation; not so much these days!). We all reach milestones and are praised by friends and family, but fear, outside the collective bubble of loving support, that things may not be as good as we thought. 

With how much I've been teaching lately, I've begun to learn the value of live, real-time positive feedback and get out of that bubble a little more. There is definitely a difference between comments and likes online and the way a person's whole being seems to light up when they accomplish something they never thought possible or see a piece of art that resonates with them. 

The gallery deal happened so fast, so last-minute, I didn't have time to say no or pull out. It started with me agreeing to drop off some prints to sell and ended with Heather, the manager, stopping by my apartment while I was out filming Kristen Robinson and chatting with the ladies at Ice Resin. So I really couldn't back out!

Walking in and seeing them up on a wall, along with work by other artists, and being asked to leave them for the entire month was....wow. A rush? That full-body tingle that runs up your spine when a dream comes true? A jolt to my system that opened up so many more things -- if this were possible, what else was I wrong about? What other seemingly-impossible dreams are waiting in the wings? 

I sold some prints ten minutes after I arrived, and hung around for a little bit, just to see how people reacted. I could see their eyes sparkle, and then Heather would say, "We have the artist with us this evening," and they would turn to me and I would give a little wave, and oh my God, when did this become my life? I went from using watercolors wrong eight years ago to sitting in a little gallery in downtown Phoenix selling art. My morning had been taken up by directing videos that would, well, a bigger audience to say the least. I talked shop, finished up a few things, rested, and went out. Hit a friend's for games and a late dinner after. Spent the weekend polishing an article for a major magazine. 

I am social and constantly creative and can someone come pinch me so I can make sure this is real? 

You can come visit my artwork at Soul Invictus gallery at 1022 NW Grand, Phoenix, AZ on Third Thursday and whenever a concert is going on. Both the original paintings and prints are available.