{joy is...}

Joy is...

Showing your accomplishments to the world and feeling love come back to you...

Having your father say, "I'm so proud of you. You make me happy. And your mother. And so many people."

Realizing you don't have to fake it till you make it because today, you've made it..

Letting people surprise you...

Today doesn't promise to be a happy day, but we can decide to focus on the positive instead of the negative. We can celebrate the joy of a life and give hugs and love and continue on, living our own lives to the fullest.

♥ you.

{letting go of fears and getting your hands messy!}

'you can fly' 12"x12" mixed media on canvas

This painting almost never happened.

I originally pulled this canvas out after seeing all the deconstructionism being done by Christine, how she was taking old paintings, ripping off layers, adding new ones, letting some of what was shine through to what is (the upper right corner of this piece has that bit of the original red and orange painting revealed under collaged paper). I loved the idea of taking something already started and turning it into something new, and remember I had a few canvases I started about a year ago that I abandoned after they began going, well, not my way.

But as I pulled this one out, eager to play in my painting style (that is, go to thick swatches of color, collage, and imagery instead of the sketchy style I have in my journals), I questioned why I was doing it. No one buys your paintings, I thought, so why waste your time on something only you’ll see, on something you’ll feel bad about because no one wants to spend money on it?

There’s a bit of validity to that thought, no matter how negative it is — when you’re depending on your art and words to pay the bills, you always have that hanging over your head. It’s not fun. While you want to create just to create, you always have to think further, have plans and projects. Yes, I love it — don’t get me wrong — I just have dark thoughts like the one above sometimes!

It goes back, though, to that hesitation we all have about showing our work to others. That fear that your work isn’t “good enough” or “pretty” or whatever adjective you’re looking for (“grungy” “messy” “vintage”). So we don’t start. Our journals remain empty, our canvases blank. That fear grips us so hard, we continue to comb the internet for more inspiration while putting off our own creative spirit.

But I didn’t want to be controlled by fear or money or outside validation. So I just started throwing down paper, grabbing paint, just getting into the spirit. Put on upbeat music to get me moving. Played with the dogs. Laughed. And then just said,

“Screw it! I’m going to have fun!”

So I started playing. Having fun. Not caring about the outcome. And then, showed it to some friends.

You need to have these friends. Those amazing, sparkling women and men who are there for you, nurture you, listen to your fears and give advice. I am blessed to have such people in my life, and through the magic of the internet, can Skype with them!

I chatted with them. Told them my fears and showed them my work in progress. And that helped so much. Just being able to get things out, to get advice, to hear the world outside myself.

I kept going. I finished the painting while chatting and laughing and sharing.

And I’m so glad I did. 

{playing with ATCs...}

A few weeks ago, I noticed they sell ATC-sized papers in little packets for $1.99. Okay, I didn't just notice them a few weeks ago, but it was then that I was tempted to buy some and try this tiny format out. I had done some ATCs years and years ago (seen here and here), and while I enjoyed making them, I was still finding my collaging-self.

But, being adventurous, I cut down some blanks from left-over poster board and began playing. And I have to say, it's been a lot of fun. Here's some in-progress shots and the completed cards. Anyone up for trades? I've wanted to write letters, by hand, to unseen pen-pals, and figure this would be a fun way to do so!

PS. About tomorrow's live vlog -- please watch my Twitter stream for updates. I have to take my laptop apart to fix a problem, so am not sure it's 100% going to happen. YAY technology! [/sarcasm]

{making for the sake of making, in and out of digital}

This afternoon, I was thinking, "I haven't done any art lately, have I?"

The reasoning for this goes: The last time I sat in the studio working with paints and such was last Thursday, after a day out with iced chai. This week's live vlog was interrupted by circumstance and appointments. The weekend was spent out with friends all over the city.

So I felt guilty. This is because, as Linda Woods said on Twitter today, "Sometimes it's hard when your job is what everyone else does for a hobby." When you don't go and work in your journal, it's because life's busy. When I don't go in and work on a painting or in my journal or make a video, I worry because projects and such are what I depend on for a living. Sending out emails and writing articles and teaching classes. I'm still in this valley between finishing one project and starting another, but haven't been very pro-active, and I need to be.

My thought, thus, made me feel guilty. And like a slacker. But then I realized something -- what I was doing for fun was just as much art as anything I create.

And here's where we enter silly fangirl territory. Because in order to finish this post, I'm going to have to show you what I was working on over the weekend.

Ahem. Yes, they're wallpapers. Now that I have the desktop computer, I can work in Photoshop much easier, which means I've been making stock images, collecting textures, and re-building my brush collection.

Funny thing is, I haven't made digital art for fun with no hope for future use in years. And a lot of what I've learned making my own graphics and laying out PDFs and books and teaching in classes has really influenced where I am now. So I sat back, after I felt a little guilty, and realized this is art, too. Sure, they're wallpapers for a movie I may be a little enamored with, but I'm happy with them.

There is so much I used to know how to do that I've simply forgotten. I had to sit back and try to remember how to apply a texture. How each layer style worked. Opacity. Effects. Even color combination. Sitting and doing art different than I have been for the last five years was fun. I thought differently.

And all this has me thinking more and more about digital art. I've been hugely impressed with Roben-Marie's work, every little thing she makes amazing me (and I was able to preview sets made with my artwork today, and am just....floored by her talent). I've done hybrid journal pages, starting with paint and ending on the computer. So now I'm thinking of going deeper. Exporting more. And what if took the digital and brought it back out of the computer and into the physical world and applied it. How would that work? And I'm excited to try and answer that question.

Anyway, I guess all this means that we don't need to strive to make high art, or "right" art, or what's good right now or popular. We can sit down in front of our computers and play with screenshots from a movie just because and maybe, just maybe, can bring it all together and create ourselves along the way.

(The wallpapers are available on my LiveJournal, btw. I'm going to go hide, now.)

(I am working on all the emails from the garage sale; you should have a response tomorrow.)

{new paint playtime!}

I just realized I never posted this picture of the finished banner!

This was a ton of fun to make, and a departure from my normal supplies and methods. While it is still certainly "me," I can really see how I'm shifting and absorbing everything I've learned in the scrapbooking world and applying it to my art.

I totally want to make another one of these, now, just in time for summer! I'll have class details for this one soon.

I found these lovely paints at the shop, and was able to borrow them to experiment and report back my findings. I've been tasked with creating the cover for a Maya Road banner album, but, as always when approaching a new material, had to test them out in the journal, first. That's what it's there for, right?

I found they spread....differently over my gessoed pages. Not quite as liquid as my fluid acrylics, but not as buttery as my heavy-body acrylics. After playing for a bit, I found they actually give me the soft, dreamy look I enjoy, but this took a bit of time to get the right mix of water and paint.

The yellow is a great, muted color, but isn't thick enough to hold its own over darker colors. The traditional tan is a wonderful color, though, and I may have to go buy a jar for myself because I loved using it all over the place.

Because I didn't see a red, I kinda had to fight the urge to pull out my own paints. Which I lost, since the page on the left has a bit in the corner. The colors I did get to play with are amazing, and I'd like to do a little mixing once I find a palette knife around here.

Layering with these is great, too!

I've been having a bunch of fun with doodles, too -- as you can see on this finished page, I'm working on making pretty flowers all over the place. Or mandalas. Or different kinds of plants. I love that there's savanna and prairie around here; taking a walk through any of the forest preserves this time of year can be a great trip for discovering tall grasses and tiny flowers.

When I was in middle school, we used to collect them and press them in our hand-made journals. I still have mine, preserved there under clear shelf-liners, the color faded over the last, God, ten plus years?

Maybe all the rides through farm land have gotten to my head.

Tomorrow is the live vlog at 4pm central! I think one of these days, I'm going to host it in the morning for those in different time-zones. But tomorrow, I'm going to be out all morning, and may be running in just as it starts, again! Any topic ideas?

{vlog tuesday: a beginning guide to soldering}

Heee heee! I'm back!

Thanks for all the comments about the studio. I'm going to lose it as soon as we move, so I'm trying to really appreciate it right now. Oh, all the space I'll be losing! It means I need to get organized and used to putting everything away NOW so it becomes habit for LATER.

This week, I was working on some soldered pendants for my shop, so I just turned on the camera! There's a little bit of a "be right back" at the beginning because we were in the middle of showing the house to the Buy Owner guy...other than that, I was really into what I was doing!

[ vlog tuesday 4/13/10: soldering for beginners ]

I did end up staying at the desk....and while I thought I was only there for an hour longer, it ended up being TWO hours! I keep "losing time," that is, getting so into projects, I don't notice it passing. And I did end up getting used to the new solder and actually LOVE it compared to what I'd been using. I can make things thicker, and do effects, and the jump rings are easier to attach.

Except my hands shake too much, and this solder takes longer to harden. *sigh* Usually things don't bother me -- I've learned to compensate for my shaking ever since collage and not being able to do hand-held camera work because of it -- but this really did! Sometimes, it sucks being stuck in a body that doesn't work right.

So I shined everything up and attached the darling charms to the bottoms!

These are the larger pendants, and the one in the middle, is, of course, for me! I just need to find a chain for it. *giggles*

All the pretty pendants, all in a row...

Questions? Comments? Have a topic for next week's vlog? Please leave me a comment or send a note!

This week's Points of Two: a list of me. Write about you in a list -- kind of like an about page!

{journal 14 bringing in a new lesson & new ideas}

The untold story about last week's Points of Two is this: I really didn't iike the page I made.

When I work on a page, I concentrate on the intention or emotion I'd like to express in the page, hoping the mix of paper and paint is infused in the final product. You may not see it all, but I do when I look at it, days, weeks, months later. To me, journal pages have a bit of my soul in them, a shared piece through emotional expression.

We lend ourselves to our art whenever we step up to the page or canvas. The Divine has a hand in what we put out, but it only works when we lend ourselves, when we surrender everything and let out what makes us unique and authentic.

Anyway, the page felt....empty. Far from what I originally wanted to put down. Yes, the process was relaxing, amazing, and meditative, and I won't deny that, but when I sat back and looked at what I'd created, the words felt empty. Not the page, but it felt mismatched, like I'd imposed the wrong words over something I'd seen.

I realized, as I sat back and reflected on my page, that it was too busy. I'd gone from a larger, chunkier patchwork to one with bits and pieces and finer details that, while the process was enjoyable, it wasn't as filled with spirit as I'm used to. I realized I needed to figure out a way to take this patchwork I'd been experimenting with without letting it take over my work.

In short, I'm at another turning point in my work.

This is a frightening place to be. My mind is filled with uncertainty. What will I be creating next? Will it be an enjoyable experience? Will I be creating authentically and with soul? Or will my work feel empty? What about all the other processes I love playing with? How can I pull this all together?

But the only way to get through this is to continue creating and being mindful while playing.

For this new beginning and experimentation, I needed to shed the old and move on. So here's my new journal, with a lovely paper I found at Paper Source and fell in love with it at first sight. It's got all my favorite colors in it, and makes me happy when I pull it out of my purse.

Cheryle asked me to explain how I sketch out ideas. This was the first thing I did when I opened my new journal.

I was asked last week to conceive a class with Maya Road's new canvas banner book. I immediately thought of making a hanging banner, one celebrating spring or another one to six letter word. Usually, I'll take the product home and just start working on it, hoping a class-worthy idea comes from my play. But I've notice planning a class that way only makes it harder for me later one when I have to teach. No, I knew I needed to start planning things out in order to make me a better teacher.

So, when I couldn't sleep the other night, I pulled my brand new journal out and started drawing out my ideas.

I like to daydream my ideas, construct art pieces in my head. But as I learned with the canvas flowers, this doesn't always work out properly.

I thnk on paper. Ask questions. Try to figure things out. Stare into space for awhile to think. Meditate. Things come as they will and then, I get an AHA! moment and it all clicks into place. Now, I know exactly what I'll teach and the steps we'll all take.

 I let loose on this journal page, painting with intent, letting out my pain and frustration with the red paint and a spray bottle. The background speaks more to me than anything, but I know I need to get back to writing in my journal. Sure, little bits here and there are fine, and quotes, but I haven't really WRITTEN about my day or what I'm doing, and I really love that part of journaling. Sometimes, we focus so much on the art, we forget about the words. A journal should be a combination of both.

My journal is helping me figure things out. Find my deep inside. Getting back to what I love and need. Yes, need! That is important! When working, the Divine may lead us in another direction, which is what They did when I was doing my last Points of Two page....showing me where I was going, and where I needed to be.

 And here are the next two pages I"m working on. I've already started taking notes for my next Etsy shop update (but they're secret, so they're a surprise!) and doodling and writing. I need to get thoughts down, and this is where they shall go.

I love working on pallet paper instead of having an actual pallet, just so I can take the interesting and fun-looking slices and put them in my journal for a spot of color. They are awesome for collaging, and I love the feeling of really recycling and getting everything in my journal.

Remember to listen to the Divine, let them help you along the way. I'm off to work on more screenprinted labels, some stationary, and a trip to the post office. All while doing laundry and starting on my next class project!

See you all tomorrow, at 4pm central, for the weekly live vlog!

{The Many Moods of the Journal (pt. 2)}

The thrilling conclusion to the many moods of the journal! Here are three more "moods" I've found in Journal #11 I felt you may encounter in your own travels.

( Click here to read part one )

The Vent

We all have those days. Work or life throws us a bit too much, and we feel the brunt of bad fortune. Things stack up. Tasks become impossible. We may run home and vent to our loved ones or a close friend, but what if you're stuck in the thick of it, unable to get away?

Your journal is there, ready to listen. And it doesn't say stupid things – in fact, you're always right where your journal's concerned. So grab a pen from the collective pen jar, sit down on a break or at a stoplight, and just go at it. Pour your heart out! Tell your journal all those things you've been meaning to say, want to say, need to say.

The page doesn't need to be pretty or thought-out. Here, I had a simple watercolor-like background I worked on top of. The drawing was a doodle during the Great VIA Taste Test (note the tallies on the top....my official notes as I asked people to taste coffee) at Starbucks in October. Was she colored in when I wrote the page? No! Just a bic pen drawing I stapled in with the store stapler and some writing with a pen I grabbed. (Note: it's a two column layout, I was being “clever.”)

Go back and add some color later, but don't feel as though you need to add a ton. These pages are lovely in their simplicity, and later on, you can have a laugh at how upset you became over something as small as, say, running out of grande/venti lids at a Starbucks during a morning rush.

The Last-Minute

A shorter version of The Vent usually takes place over a messy page meant for something greater (though what that could be, we'll never know). Sometimes, we get interrupted when journaling in the studio, and end up with this great collaged and painted page we totally meant to go back to and never did (time to cook dinner, an appointment you forgot, etc). So it sits in the journal and waits for us to come back to it.

And, of course, distracted, we forget about it until some thought, some sharp emotion, grabs us and brings us to our knees. Searching for a friend, we write messy words on the forgotten page, maybe adding some doomsday illustration (my fearful raindrops, anyone?). Since there's all this space, we can write as large or as small as we want, and usually come back to this page several times over the day (or however long the emotion lasts).

I love the look of these pages, because there's nothing there but raw, true emotion. Beautiful, indeed.

The Semi-Scrapbook

There's no reason your journal shouldn't be like a scrapbook. There are just some events you really want to remember, but your thoughts are bit too personal to put in a scrapbook. Enter the journal! She'll love whatever you have to say, and gets giddy when you show her new friends.

A pre-done page houses this Semi-Scrapbook page. Laid down collage bits act as a natural frame. One thing you'll need to learn when journaling is that sometimes, the content requires you to cover up something you don't want to! On this page, I didn't want to cover the paper behind the photo, but found it was the best place for it. Over the paper it went, and I'm happier for it.

Don't be afraid to write on your photos! They're begging for some alterations themselves, and writing names or pointing to details on the image itself can make it feel way more personal! Here, I point out who is in the picture – my friends and myself – and actually chose this shot for the extra space it afforded me at the top.

But the writing, I think, is what distinguishes it from a scrapbook page. I write about long-held emotions, deeper thoughts, and some personal stuff I wouldn't want to show friends paging through beautiful, clean layouts. There are scribbles and arrows, doodles and mistakes. This is how I want to remember that day – and my art journal offers the perfect hybrid between writing about the day in a social diary and laying out the picture for a visual record.

--

And now, I am off to read more magical adventures in Victorian England before an early night (as I work at 4:30am tomorrow!). Check back in the next two days for the next installment of the bookbinding video!